by Dawn Billings, founder of RelationshipHelp.com
Anyone who has gone through a breakup knows that a broken heart can be difficult to mend. This universal emotional response to the sudden, unexpected, or unwanted loss of what you thought was love is often full of an intense longing, hurt, and/or desire for an ex or unrequited love. Most everyone has had their heart broken at one time or another. It is never a pleasant experience and often can feel completely devastating. Below are some recommendations that will help you heal and strengthen your heart once again.
Don’t Stalk Your Ex With social media making your ex accessible at the tap of a screen, it is important for you to understand that there is a thin line between you being an ex-lover or internet stalker. Nothing good can come from looking at your ex’s Instagram, TikTok or Facebook timeline. When it comes to social media, you will only cause yourself pain if you continue to follow the goings on of your ex partner. Do not choose to emotionally abuse yourself with keeping tabs on someone who is not in your life anymore.
Stalk a walk.
If you are going to stalk anything, stalk nature. It is the best stalking you will ever do. Take yourself for walks. It doesn’t matter where. It could be in your neighborhood, the beach or hikes in the mountains. Look around you and allow yourself to experience the beauty of life. Of course there is also death, seasons change, but the entire circle has an extraordinary beauty if you will allow yourself to see it. Noticing the beauty of the natural world around you creates a connection between you and something larger than yourself and gives you a wider and broader perspective.
Hang on to the dream.
Hang on to the dream. So much of the time we are devastated about the loss of the dream we had for what we believed our relationship could be. The dream is more difficult to let go of than the person. We each have in our minds and hearts the perfect love scenario and we attempt to paint that dream on top of our partner. Keep the dream, and let the person go. Believe in your love dream and look forward to meeting the correct person who will fit your dream beautifully. But mourning the process of pealing your dream off the person is didn’t fit will take time and you will mourn.
Take the time to Grieve Grieving is difficult. Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s tells us the five stages of grief are denial (inability to accept reality), anger (physical tension, frustration, resentment), bargaining (magical thinking, pleading to God), depression (sadness, emptiness, guilt, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, hopelessness), and acceptance.
While grieving the loss of your dream of what your relationship could have been examine your thoughts, feelings, behaviors. Take time to be aware of the feelings you are experiencing, and practice honoring them without allowing them to dictate or dominate your life. Do your best to notice when you are being judgmental of your thoughts or feelings and try to have compassion for yourself. Be kind to yourself and understand that grief will take the time that it takes, but that this too shall pass.
Gain Clarity Make a list of the good and positive things you will miss about the relationship and about that person. Promise yourself that you will seek and find those good things and more. But also make a second list of the things you’re not going to miss and be as honest with yourself as possible. Make a promise again that you will not settle for the things that made less of you, instead of more of you. This exercise will help you gain clarity so you can be grateful for the good things and remain hopeful to reclaim them with someone new. Then promise yourself you will learn from the things that hurt and limited you and you will recognize them early next time if they are there and not allow yourself to make the same mistakes.
Exercise Your Body and Brain Exercise is refreshing and energizing. It brings much needed oxygen into your bloodstream and endorphins that can be uplifting, especially now. Find an mode of exercise you love. Ride a bike, go for a run, find a pilates class or yoga. Learn Thai Chi or martial arts. It doesn’t matter what it is as long as you look forward to taking that scheduled time for yourself to strengthen YOU. Meditate and/or pray.
Meditation and prayer can fill your heart with calm and peace which is what you need more of right now. Prayer is ask God or the Universe for guidance as you pull together your broken heart. You can send prayers to the one that betrayed you and his family.
Get to Know YOU
The secret blessing about breakups is that they are actually an invitation to work on the most important relationship you will ever have… The relationship with yourself. How much do you really understand YOU? What are your greatest strengths? What are your greatest weaknesses. How to you sabotage your life, your relationships and your dreams? How do you source yourself? How do you support yourself emotionally and physically? These questions are the perfect questions to focus on while you are mending your heart.
Seek knowledge and understanding
A broken heart is an opportunity for growth. Take this time to learn all you can. What do you know about creating and maintaining a healthy relationship? Read, take courses like Relationship Help At Home which is a 26 week course that will give you an advanced degree in what works and what doesn’t work in relationships and it only takes 5 minutes a day and is extremely affordable.
Love Yourself The broken-hearted often struggle with remembering that they were once fully functional, interesting, and even desirable people when they were single. Take the time to rediscover yourself. It also helps you get in touch with what your needs and wants are. Set time aside to do the thing you love to do. Make yourself a priority.
Get Help The harder it is to overcome, the deeper the lesson you have to learn. When did you stop following your values? What did you give up of yourself to stay in the relationship even when you realized it was not giving you what you wanted? Do you need to give yourself the gift of therapy? Do you need to learn more about what makes and breaks relationships? Do you need a regain joy in your life retreat?
If you feel you could benefit from professional help get it. Therapy can be a wonderful resource to provide you with support and new tools to assist in letting go. In addition to the tried and true methods of being with loved ones, engaging in some good old-fashioned self-care, and singing “I Will Survive” at the top of your lungs, the above tips should help you mend your broken heart. Remember that everyone has had their heart broken at one time or another, and give yourself the space, time, and compassion that you deserve.
Personality and relationship expert Dawn Billings is the author and architect of Primary Colors Relationship Personality Tests and RelationshipHelp.com training. Dawn is the author of hundreds of articles and executive director of the Relationship Help Resort in Arizona where she leads private couple's retreats and intensives to strengthen, empower and heal relationships.