Updated: Mar 31
At the Relationship Help Resort in Arizona we are dedicated to doing all we can to save and heal relationships, but what if you have already separated or divorced? Then what?
A broken heart is similar to a physical wound on your body such as a broken ankle or a serious burn. You would not consider not treating a serious physical wound, because you realize that the wounds could get infected, not heal properly and lead to future health problems. But a broken heart is a very serious wound as well that has emotional, physical and psychological ramifications if not tended to well. But most of us do not know what we should do to help ourselves in the healing process during and after a relationship crisis? Let’s look at six simple steps that can help you heal and grow stronger for your future.
1. Access Where/WHO You Are
To start the process of healing, it is wise to begin with understanding where you are emotionally and psychologically. This is no simple task. Different personality color tendencies cause us to react differently to the devastation called divorce. Also, as you can imagine, divorce is easier emotionally for the one who wants to end the relationship than it is for the one who doesn’t.
People with different color personality tendencies experience and handle their feelings differently. Some people with strong yellow color personality tendencies can allow their feelings to overwhelm and incapacitate them, while often, people with red color personality tendencies can be strongly impacted by anger and rage issues, while people with purple color personality tendencies can attempt to shut the feelings out all together, which usually doesn’t work all that well, while people with orange color personality tendencies may look to drugs and alcohol to help them threw. You are beginning to see what I am talking about. We are unique with our own personality color blends that lead us to behave in different ways. If you are in the midst of a divorce or separation, this is the perfect time to devote time getting to know YOU. This is the best time to examine who you are, how you think, who you are at your best and certainly who you are at your worst, which I am sure has played a role in the relationship conflict you are experiencing. One awesome recommendation is to take a series of personality insight tests to better understand yourself and those around you like the Primary Colors Personality Tests and Insight Tools. Primary Colors personality is the only personality test designed specifically for relationship and communication improvement.
There is also therapy, retreats, traveling and other wonderful ways to gain insight into yourself and what really matters to you.
2. What do you Feel? What do you need to heal?
Divorce is considered one of the most stressful experiences we may go through. Some experts tell us that it is very similar to the death of a loved one. Be sure to look inside yourself to discover the best way for you to heal. Some people with red color personality tendencies will tell you to “Get over it. Don’t ever let them see you sweat.” While people with orange color personality tendencies will tend you to “Forget about it. Do something FUN.” Some of your friends with yellow color personality tendencies might tell you you MUST feel your feelings deeply. It is the only way." Feelings are real and if not handled properly, they can cause you to cope in unhealthy ways that cause more harm than good. But not everyone FEELS as deeply about crisis and so you must choose the best strategy for you.
3. Take Care of You
Breakups can cause you to stop taking care of the most important person in your life, and that is YOU. If you have yellow color personality tendencies, you can find yourself staying in the bed all day, if you have orange color personality tendencies you could want to eat all kinds of unhealthy foods or drink too much, if you have blue color personality tendencies you could want to isolate yourself from your friends and loved ones, and if you have green color personality tendencies you can get depressed and not pay attention to your day to day affairs. Take a hint from people with purple color personality tendencies and create a simple plan or routine (nothing overwhelming) to get yourself back moving even if you don’t “feel” like it. This allows you to develop momentum and regain your some of your energy.
4. Do More of What You Love
We can lose ourselves in relationships, work and the exigencies of life to discover that we have stoped doing many of the things we love. What brings you great joy? What is something that you’ve always said you wanted to start but never did? Have you longed to have time to write? Have you wanted more time to hike or bike? Have you wanted more time to swim, paint, research, etc. Different color personality tendencies drive us toward different interests. What are the things you feel you have put on hold and now is the time to check them out?
This is also a great time to add in more self-care activities. Go get that massage or facial. Go stay in the cabin in the woods you have fantasized about. Go back to school and get that degree you have always wanted. Look within, find the dreams that live there and reach for them.
5. Find Support and Inspiration
When healing, feeling betrayed or broken, you are extremely vulnerable. Hope is ever more valuable now. Select those things that matter to you to focus on. Be careful who you choose to confide in right now. The worst thing you can do is receive advice that won’t help you move forward. Get involved in a church you enjoy. Dig back into your faith and values and reacquaint yourself with those values that are the rock upon which you feel good about standing.
Find a singles group that is interesting. Have you wanted to learn cooking? Tennis? Dancing? Surround yourself with healthy friends that are living life you want to emulate. Find people who will support what is the best of you and best for you during this time. It’s not about the quantity of friends but the quality.
6. Seek Answers, Understanding and Professional Help
This is a difficult time for you, but the good news is that it is YOUR time. Use it well. Seek answers to your most burning questions, especially about how to better communicate in relationships. This might be the time for you to enroll in an online course like Relationship Help at Home, which allows you to basically get a master’s degree in communication, personality and relationships in the comfort of your own home. Insight is vital to growth, and you may be unable to gain it on your own. We all have blind spots and areas where we need to grow and heal.
You can always find a coach and/or therapist to help you build resilience, accomplish your goals, and gain a deeper perspective on your life. You can attend a weekend intensive to learn about communication and relationships like Relationship Help Resort. But if flexibility and keeping the costs down is one of your main focuses, again, look into Relationship Help at Home.
Healing is a journey, so give yourself time, information, answers and especially compassion. Every day you will get better, stronger, clearer and feel more like the you, you want most to be.
Relationship and personality expert Dawn Billings is the author of over 15 books and hundreds of articles.
Dawn is the founder of RelationshipHelp.com and creator of the comprehensive ONLINE relationship programs called Relationship Help At Home. Dawn is the executive director of the luxury Relationship Help Resort in Arizona.