Is Romance Dead Asleep in Your Relationship?

Updated: Apr 14

by Dawn Billings, founder of RelationshipHelp.com

Ahh, romance. Isn't it lovely? Every woman dreams of having a man who is romantic and attentive. Many women imagine her prince charming bringing her flowers out of the blue, having candlelit date nights, and sweet compliments whispered are always a nice fantasy. But no woman fantasizes about a relationship where her partner thinks that living as roommates sharing Netflix binges is romantic. A relationship with no romance can cause woman to feel many things, but none of the feelings are feelings they have spent any time dreaming about. Keeping the romance alive is one of the requirements of a great relationship.

It’s only natural for new relationships to blossom with romance during the first few months or years. Couples in the process of dating one another look for ways to make the other feel special, and we are on an infatuated hormone high that make feeling romantic easy. Thoughtful gifts, nights out, and romantic dinners are commonplace during the infatuated phase of any relationship. But infatuation fades and we acclimate to our partners

A relationship without romantic affection loses the majority of its color and charm, which was, initially prevalent in your marriage. Some people feel as though they are falling out of love. Instead of feeling happy and alive, they begin to feel stressed and unfulfilled. Over time, the once dancing flames of your romance fire lose some of there passionate burn and turn into warm embers, that is unless your partner is simply romantic by nature, which often has a great deal to do with their color personality tendencies. Some personalities are just more romantic by nature, and some are not.

So what if your partner was really never that romantic, to begin with. Again this can be greatly influenced by their core color personality tendencies, so it is important that you understand what your partner’s personality.

If your partner is much more practical, then he is romantic, and you have expressed your desire for more romance in your relationship to no avail, you may have to accept that he is not romantic, but do his other ways of contributing to your relationship make up for it? Your partner’s personality tendencies are not a reflection of their lack of love or desire for you, they simply show their affection in more basic and practical ways. But how does that effect the way you feel about your relationship?

The effects of one partner not feeling the romance they need to feel important and desirable can cause marital struggles. Human beings are meaning making machines and we desperately want to understand the ‘meaning’ behind the reason for the loss and lack of romance. This is not just a woman issue, men can feel looked over and taken for granted as well. But we will focus on women in this article. Listed below are some of the outcomes that can happen when your partner feels a loss of romance in your relationship.

  • They can feel physically unattractive: Women who begin to wonder if their mate is no longer attracted to them can feel very insecure. These feelings can be especially painful if her body has changed significantly since the relationship began. This insecurity can lead to depression or acting out in harmful ways, such as seeking validation and approval from another man.

  • They can wonder, “Is he cheating?” If her man is no longer lavishing her with the romance that he once did, a woman may begin to wonder if his attention is being shared with another woman instead.

  • They can be vulnerable to the attention of other men: Women who do not feel attractive and desired can be easy targets for someone who gives them the recognition and consideration the feel the need.

  • They can be vulnerable to finding solace in drugs and alcohol: Women who don’t feel loved, and yet do not know what to do about it can turn to drugs or alcohol to help them cope. We all know that drugs and alcohol do not help people cope, they simply make more and bigger problems, but this is a vulnerability for women who no longer feel their husband feels romantic with regard to them.

Having no romance in a relationship doesn’t mean that the relationship isn’t good. Your mate may be an excellent provider, father, and attentive mate and friend in all other aspects of your life, he’s just missing the romantic gene. So here are a few tips that might help increase the romance you are craving in your love life.


Here are some ways to include more romance in your day to day lives.

  • Spend more time together: Remember that your relationship is about more than just daily activities. So many people get caught up in the exigencies of life. Working, cleaning, shopping for food, bathing children, doing laundry, household chores, you know the drill. Yes these are realities of life but how can you add in some fun? Play a question game where you ask one another 25 questions about each other’s lives. You may think you know all there is to know, but why not make a game out of discovering what you might not know. Act as though you are dating. This will make your partner feel special and also give you the opportunity to share details about yourself and strengthen your bond to help turn your marriage around. Another great way to bond is by taking up a new hobby or activity together. The more you share in common the easier it will be to foster a romantic connection.

  • Connect: Be present with your partner. Sex is the perfect opportunity to be romantic, whisper lovely, affirming things and share intimate appreciation. This doesn’t mean you have to treat the action like a scene from a movie, but get present. Allow your thoughts to be on the person you are connecting to. This can mean kissing, holding hands, and making eye-contact, anything that helps your partner feel seen and cared for.

  • Text: Some people love texts. It makes them feel like you are thinking about them. It is simple and sometimes it is easier to write romantic things than it is to say them out loud. But be careful with texts because it is difficult for people to hear your tone of voice, so some texts can be interpreted negatively.

  • Hold hands: For some people with warm color personality tendencies, physical touch outside of the bedroom is extremely important to a relationship. Hug, dance together, cuddle up on the couch, give one another a massage. Whatever you’re doing together, try and involve an element of touch.

  • Complement your partner: Again, according to personality tendencies and love language preferences, some people thrive on complements. They need for you to acknowledge and affirm them. It can be something as simple as “You look nice today” to “Thank you so much for doing XYZ, I really appreciated it.”

  • Give gifts: This option is a love language for many. A surprise gift, even something small and sentimental, will mean a lot to your partner and definitely raise her feelings of romance.

  • Don’t nag: Want more romance? Leave the nagging out of the equation. Nagging never has, and never will motivate and enhance a romantic moment. If you want to give something to your partner make sure it is not a lecture, certainly not a beat down for something they failed to get done on your list.

Having no romance in a relationship may not seem like a big deal to onlookers, but can cause self-doubt for the partner who is not made to feel important. It may be in the interest of your relationship to seek help.

  • Contact a doctor: If your lack of romance is stemming from a low libido, it will be beneficial to contact your family doctor. They will be able to tell you where the issue is stemming from, whether it is due to a hormonal change or emotional distance. Either result will help you decide as a couple where to go from there.

  • Seek Counseling: Marriage counseling can often help couples draw closer together and get to the root of the issues they are having in their relationship.

  • Attend a Luxury Couples Retreat: Take your vacation time and money and use it to kill two birds with one stone. Find a luxury resort that also does private couples retreats or intensives, so that you can relax and enjoy, but also build and strengthen your connection at the same time.

  • Don’t have the time or funds for a Resort?: Consider doing an ONLINE relationship course together. Make sure that it is a program that only takes 5-10 minutes a day to learn much more about how to relate, communicate, encourage, nurture and show love for one another.

Women often leave the job of romance to their partners, but you should never be afraid to take the lead. Look for ways to show your partner you care in ways that he will appreciate. Remember, what is romantic to him may not be romantic to you. But when you give him more of what he needs, your chances of him returning the favor increase dramatically. Taking him to a favorite childhood haunt or treating him with tickets to see his favorite team play are both great ways to show you care, but you know your partner, think about what he would like. When he sees you taking charge in the romance department, he may then look for ways to reciprocate.

Dawn Billings is the author of 15 books and hundreds of articles. She also authored the RelationshipHelp.com programs, including RelationshipHelpAtHome.com an ONLINE relationship program. You can now bring Dawn and her 45 years of experience and expertise into the comfort of your home as you learn the secrets to healing, strengthening and nurturing great relationships.



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