What is Underneath the Struggle?

Updated: Apr 14

by Dawn Billings, founder of RelationshipHelp.com

Why do what you believe should be simple conversations turn into relationship struggles? How can you get so angry and frustrated so quickly?


Most people do not understand that their anger and rage usually stem from feeling hurt? That's right, after feeling wounded, when they feel hurt it can quickly ratchet up to anger, even rage and this is the beginning of their most uncomfortable relationship struggles. You know the ones I am referring to. The ones where you look at your partner who is behaving so irrationally and hostile that you no longer recognize them as the person you fell in love with.


But there is good news. If we teach ourselves to take a small time out and identify the hurt we are feeling, we can save ourselves a fall-out, and every fall-out saved is a bond strengthened or an arrow that missed the heart of the one you love.

When you get angry and frustrated attempt to get to the heart of how you feel: burdened, unsupported, incompetent, unappreciated and incapable of making your partner happy no matter how hard you try? This can provide clues for what is triggering about your conversations and how these conversations quickly get derailed. No one can find the sources of these triggers that represent broken places in your life, but you. You can always go to therapy, but that takes a great deal of time and money. So what is the inexpensive, easy and effective way? Look into the online relationship course: www.RelationshipHelpAtHome.com We each deal with stress differently. Some of us shut down, some of us yell. Some of us escape into drugs, alcohol, or even other relationships. If you learn more about how your personality handles stress, there is a good chance you can avoid the yelling, of course, that might sound dramatic but arguments can get pretty dramatic because of the meaning we might not understand is underneath them. You see, as human beings, we are meaning making machines. We can make meaning out of a look, a shrug, a grunt, whatever, we can make meaning out of it. We can upset ourselves with meaning that our partners often didn’t mean (pun intended). A five-minute cool down is always better than lunging into battle-mode. Some people do not understand the importance and value of an adult time out. Maybe that is because we misuse them. Some people walk away from one another and withdraw as a punishment instead of an opportunity to regroup. We have to make an agreement that FOR the love of our relationship and out of respect for our partner, we will stop and put ourselves in adult time out rather than say and do things that we will regret. Once a couple agrees that this is how the adult time out can be used for the benefit of their relationship, not the punishment or disrespect of their partner, we begin to reap the benefits of taking a cool down when things get heated and feelings begin to get hurt.


Time outs can be very positive but so can time ins. Time ins are where you schedule time to read together, go on walks together, remember how to laugh together, go to workshops together, take an online relationship course together. Spending five minutes each day learning to understand ourselves and our partner and how to better communicate, listen and express our love to them is even better. So check out: www.RelationshipHelpAtHome.com and look into the online relationship course that can strengthen, enhance your emotional intelligence and help you heal your relationship.

Personality expert Dawn Billings is the founder of RelationshipHelp.com and creator of the comprehensive ONLINE relationship Programs called RelationshipHelpAtHome.com Dawn is the executive director of the luxury Relationship Help Resort in Arizona where she hosts private couples therapy intensives to help people heal and strengthen their relationships.


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